I Can't Find the Words to Tell You
by AdalynFlaw
Summary: Bella thought things would be normal again after Edwards return but with Jacob not giving up she's finding it hard to ignore the fact she has a difficult choice to make. She can't have them both. Rated M just incase and perhaps for future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first FanFic. Please tell me how I'm doing. I crave feedback :)**

**I don't own any of the characters used in this story, Stephenie Meyer does.**

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I turned over, twisted in the covers. I couldn't get back to sleep.

I thought things would be perfect now. Edward was back, he has been for a month or two now and everything was good again, just like things were before he left. But even though being with Edward made me so happy, made me whole again, I was still forever weighed down by an unbearable guilt. Being with Edward was killing my best friend. They were both natural enemies and both despised each other with a passion. The only reason they hadn't literally killed each other already was because of me, for some unbelievable reason they both loved me unconditionally. But I couldn't spend time with one without hurting the other. I loved Edward with all my heart but it was Jacob that had sewn my heart back together after Edward left me. Jacob deserved so much and I couldn't give anything to him, even the time I could give him was limited. Whenever I was with him I was constantly receiving phone calls from Edward checking I was safe so I could never concentrate and relax with Jacob. I hated the way things were between Jacob and myself.

I sighed and flipped my phone closed. Another call from Edward. I had just arrived outside Jacobs and he was already checking up on me. I loved Edward more then anything but he can be a little too overprotective.

I hopped out of the truck and walked up to the front door which was already open by the time I reached it. I was welcomed by Billy.

"Hey Bella. I think Jacob's still sleeping but you're more then welcome to go wake him. I'd rather you then me, that boy's a nightmare to wake" he gave me a warm smile then moved out my way to let me through. I returned the smile and made my way to Jacobs's room.

I opened the door slowly to try not to make too much noise. He was sprawled across his tiny bed, lying on his stomach. I walked over to him and sat on the edge of the bed. I watched his back raise and lower as he breathed. He looked so peaceful, it wouldn't be right to wake him but I didn't have to. The sound of my phone ringing broke the silence.

"If that's Cullen, tell him to die" Jacob mumbled into the pillow as he awoke from his interrupted sleep.

"Sorry Jake" I opened my phone and closed it immediately. It was my time with Jacob, not Edward.

"Wow, you're ignoring him? I feel special" Jacob fidgeted about so he was lying on his back.

"Well now that you're awake, what are we doing today?"

"I'm not awake" he covered his face with both his arms and I assumed he was trying to go back to sleep.

"You're dad told me to wake you up anyway. So up you get" I tugged at his covers but he snatched them back and brought them over his head. "Jacob! I'm bored. Wake up"

"Fine" he started kicking me so I would move to the far end of the bed, enabling him to roll off without any effort. "Why aren't you with Cullen anyway?" he stood up and ruffled his choppy hair around. I turned my gaze to the floor when I realised he was only wearing his underwear.

"He allowed me to see you. I haven't seen you for over a week" I looked up at him. He had his brows furrowed and he was staring intently at the floor. "Jacob?" he lifted his head slightly so he was looking at me again. "Would you mind putting on some clothes?" his frown was turning into a grin and he let out a little laugh while nodding.

"He really controls you doesn't he?"

"No he doesn't, Jake. Can we talk about something else?" I wouldn't say Edward controls me. He watches out for me, he only wants me safe and I guess its understandable seeing as him and Jacob are natural enemies, so it's not surprising that Edward doesn't trust him. I just wish he would lighten up a little. Jacob's no threat to me at all and he's my best friend, he'd never hurt me and I wish Edward would realise that, even just a little bit.

"I'm just saying, it's almost as if you have to ask him if you're allowed to do anything you want. No one should be allowed to control you like that" I met Jacob's gaze with my own which he greeted with a friendly smile. It was no secret Jacob had feelings for me, he hasn't exactly told me but he didn't need to. Everything he did cried out love. He's hugged me with everything he had and he never wanted to let go. Sometimes I'd catch him staring at me and whenever I'm half asleep on the sofa, I'll feel him stroke my hair away from my face. He kisses my forehead at every given chance and never pulls away untill he knows I start to feel uncomfortable. And I know that Edward being a vampire isn't the only reason he hates him, Jacob's tried a countless number of times to try to convince me to leave him.

I watched him as he slid his shirt over his head and down his body. He was perfectly sculpted, every muscle in his body was magnificent and he was the most loving person I ever knew and if Edward hadn't have returned there's no doubt in my mind that I'd give into temptation and be everything he wanted me to be. But Edward was back and I love him too much to ever do anything to hurt him even in the slightest.

"So then Jacob. What are we doing today?" I smiled to try and lighten the mood.

Jacob shrugged. "We could go see Emily and the pack? I'm pretty sure they've been missing ya"

I nodded. I loved Jacob's friends, they were all so welcoming, with the exception of Paul and Leah but I was sure they were starting loosen up. "Shall we feed you before we go?"

"I think you already know the answer to that" he turned around immediately and left the room, then headed for the kitchen.

After several bowls of cereal and half a loaf of bread, Jacob was full enough to leave. On the ride to Emily's I got another phone call from Edward which I'd have to answer this time.

"Hello Edward"

"_Nice of you to answer_"

"I'm sorry about earlier, I didn't mean to—" Jacob snatched the phone from my hand.

"Jake!"

"Hey Eddie!" Jacob had the phone up to his ear and I couldn't hear what Edward was saying to him, if he was saying anything at all. "Yeah well she's safe with me. No need to worry" he turned to face me then winked.

"Jacob, you're driving. Eye's on the road" I brought my knees up to my chest and looked out the window.

"Oi! Be nice or I wont give her back" in a way I was thankful I couldn't hear both sides of the conversation, I hated it when they fought. Jacob starting laughing "Come on Eddie, no need to be like that". Silence. "Looks like I'm keeping her then" I turned to face Jacob. He had hung up the phone and was holding it out for me to take back.

"Jacob, what did you do?"

"Hey, I was being civilised. He was the one being the jerk"

"No Jacob you were aggravating him which is probably why he was being a jerk. I know you hate him but you could at least try being a little kinder to my boyfriend"

"He's a shitty boyfriend, Bells. The sooner you realise that the better"

I sighed. I was stuck in the middle of the two people I cared about most and I hated it.

We were silent the rest of the journey to Emily's.

We were greeted as usual when we arrived. Quil and Embry fought to see which one would get to hug me first. Embry won this time and lifted me off my feet, spinning me around. I received regular greetings from the others and a scowl from Leah.

I was in the kitchen, helping Emily prepare the usual mountain of food to feed the guys.

"I haven't seen you in so long, Bella. We've missed you" Emily was always so kind to me.

"Sorry about that. It's been hard finding the time to come down here"

"You mean you've been finding it hard to get permission from Edward?" Emily wasn't usually one to make me feel uncomfortable; the rest of the pack normally does that.

"Erm… no, it's not like that"

"It's fine Bella. It must be hard being in your position. But the boys don't really understand it and it gets to Jacob, Sam told me. I don't mean to make you feel bad I just want you to know that we want what's best for Jacob and I think it's safe to say that what's best is your happiness"

"But I am happy" I didn't take my eyes away from stove.

"If you say so" Emily's tone was still friendly and warming. I loved her because she told me the truth but in a way that didn't really upset me. I'm sure she did it for the welfare of the pack more than me but I was still thankful for it.

My phone buzzed in my pocket for the third time this morning. I rolled my eyes and excused myself from Emily's presence.

"Hello?"

"_Where are you?"_

"I'm at Emily's with the pack. Why?"

"_I just wanted to make sure you were safe"_

"Edward, I'm surrounded by several werewolves, I think it's safe to say nothing's coming to get me"

"_And you don't see the several werewolves as a danger at all?"_

"No Edward, I don't. I'm safe, and I'll see you tonight. I love you very much and I miss you" I heard him sigh down the phone.

"_I love you too Bella. Don't forget that"_

I sighed and collapsed on the sofa I was stood infront of and was shortly joined by Jacob.

"Another check up from Eddie?"

"I don't think he likes it when you call him that"

"Why else would I do it?"

I rolled my eyes and sunk further into the sofa. Jacob took my hand into his and started weaving his fingers with mine. It wasn't out of the ordinary for us to hold hands. I allowed him to play with my fingertips and watched his concentration as he doodled with his index finger in the palm of my hand. He seemed so happy. I couldn't help myself; I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly. I was stretched out across the sofa with my head on his chest. He chuckled a little and squeezed me back.

"Why the hug?" he stroked my head then rested his forehead against the top of my head.

"I felt like it"

"Aww, I thought it was because you love me" I felt him smile against my head.

I didn't say anything; I just squeezed him a little.

My phone buzzed once more in my pocket.

"I'm going to fucking kill him" Jacob took my wrists to stop my reaching for my phone. "Answer it and you die" I struggled against Jacob's strength who couldn't stop laughing at my frail attempts to release myself

"Jacob! He'll be mad"

"Then let him be mad. The little shit deserves it"

"Jacob!" he stood up, still holding onto my wrists and pulled me up with him.

"He doesn't deserve you Bells. No one does" he released one of my wrists and brought his hand up to my cheek where he stroked it lovingly. I couldn't pull myself away from him, not only because he was incredibly strong and wouldn't let me but because there was something in his eyes that I couldn't tear myself away from. He was inching closer and closer to me. I still couldn't move away. He brought his other hand to the small of my back and moved it up and down slowly, pulling me towards him a little more. I was becoming slightly breathless. I was scared; Jacob's done things like this before and every time I tried to pull away with all my strength but I was scared because this time I couldn't. I wouldn't.

Everything was interrupted by the vibrations my phone was causing in my pocket.

"Edward" his name came out in a whisper. Jacob released me and looked at the floor, not meeting my gaze once. I flipped open the phone and brought it to my ear, still keeping my eyes on Jacob. "Yes?"

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**I apologise if you didn't enjoy it. But I promise it'll get better once it really gets into the story.**

**Reviews**** would be appreciated so so much!**

**X**


	2. Chapter 2

**I realise that I ****haven't update in forever. I only had one chapter up so there wasn't much to miss but oh well. It took one review from **_**Tim C. Girl **_**to get me in the mood to write again. I guess I totally forgot I had even posted a chapter before this one. And by the way, **_**Tim C. Girl**_** is an awesome writer, totally check her out. So for those that enjoyed the first chapter and wanted me to continue, I apologise for being absent for so long, I did have exams and stuff so I do have an excuse :P**

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I left Emily's house earlier then everyone else did. Jacob dropped me off home and it took him a while to get him to leave, to ensure him I'll be fine what with Edward coming over soon.

I greeted Charlie briefly before jogging upstairs and collapsing on my bed. My head was filled of so many confusing thoughts. Had Edward not called earlier and interrupted mine and Jacobs 'moment' (if you could call it a moment at all) I doubt I would have pulled away, I doubt I would have stopped him before anything happened. It scared me. It scared me that I had become curious as to how his lips would feel against mine. They'd probably be the complete opposite to Edwards. They'd probably be warm and soft and I doubted he'd be as held back as Edward is, kissing Jacob would be rough and carefree.

I shook my head to try and clear my head. I couldn't be thinking like this.

"Hello, love"

I twisted my body around to face my window where Edward was stood in all his glory. My mind emptied of any thought I had had before seeing Edward. I smiled at him and patted the side of the bed, inviting him to lay with me. He angelically moved from the other side of my room to my bed where he lay next to me, winding me in his arms.

"Bella, no offence, but you stink"

I looked up at him and gave him a guilty smile. "Sorry. I haven't had a chance to shower since getting back from seeing the pack".

"Bella? I apologise for how I acted today. I was overprotective. I trust you" he smiled at me lovingly while stroking my hair.

"So you're going to back off a little when I go to see Jacob?" I buried my face in his chest, trying to get as close to him as I could.

"I trust you, love. But I still don't trust them" I rolled my eyes and sighed.

"For the last time Edward, they're not going to hurt me. Especially Jacob"

"They're unpredictable"

I shook my head and sat up. He placed a hand on my back and rubbed it slightly. The same way Jacob had done earlier. I shook my head again, refusing to think of Jacob like that.

"Bella, love?" he sat up with me and kissed my shoulder. I simply shook my head again. "Why're you giving me the silent treatment?"

"Because you're wrong" he continued to kiss my shoulder and travel up my neck. My mind went blank and I turned my head to allow my lips to meet his. My body shifted so I sat on my knees facing him. I closed the space between us and snaked my arms around his neck, moving my lips with his. My tongue brushed against his lower lip, asking for entrance which he granted me. I knew that any second now he'd push me off and tell me he 'wasn't strong enough' but I decided to push my luck. I put a little weight on his shoulders and pushed him down so he lying on his back. I shifted my weight so I was laying ontop of him, intensifying the kiss. Sure enough he frowned and rolled me off, breaking the kiss.

"Bella, please. You know we can't do this"

I huffed and rolled onto my side. I felt like a small child throwing a tantrum but I didn't care.

"You know that I'm not strong enough. I could get even a little carried away and end up hurting you or worse"

"And who's the dangerous one? Jacob? Or you?" it was a cheap shot but it hurt me being rejected.

Edward didn't talk again; he simply waited for me to fall asleep.

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Edward wasn't with me when I woke up. I found a note written in his perfectly scribed writing reading: _I have to hunt. I shall see you in two days time. I love you._

I sighed. I often struggled to be apart from Edward for an extended amount of time.

I dragged myself out of my room and into the bathroom across the hall. I turned the shower on and stripped off then let the water run over me. I was scared that I had upset Edward with what I said last night. Edward's paranoia that he'll hurt me is often a popular topic for our arguments. He forever insists that Jacob is a horribly dangerous person for me to be around yet he's constantly reminding me that he himself could break me in half if he ever got carried away. I knew that he was able to control himself, he just doubted his strength, and I was sick of being pushed away every time I wanted to fool around with my boyfriend. I wasn't a china doll. Yes Edward was a vampire with astonishing strength and power but not once have I seen a moment of weakness from him.

I turned the shower off once I had used up the hot water and stepped out, wrapping a towel around myself. I ran a brush through my hair while studying my face in the mirror. I never understood how someone so beautiful like Edward could be with me. He could get any woman he wants but for some unknown reason he chose me. Boring, pale and plain.

I poked my head out the bathroom door to make sure Charlie wasn't stood in the hall; I was just dressed in a small towel, before running into my room greeted by Jacob sprawled across my bed.

"Jacob! What the hell!" I made sure the towel around me was as secure as it could be before swinging my robe off the back of the door and around me.

Jacob chuckled and covered his eyes with the palm of his hands. "I'm not looking Bells, I promise" he continued to laugh.

"Jacob what the hell are you doing in my room!" I tied the robe securely around my waist.

"To see you. What else would I be doing here?" his smug grin was still plastered across his face.

"Well get out. I need to change" I opened the door for him and pointed outside.

"I'll stay here. I wont look I promise" he covered his eyes again and smiled as innocently as possible.

"Jacob" I tried to pull the sternest expression I could. He chuckled again and rolled off my bed. I slammed my bedroom door shut after him.

"So, it's my birthday next week. Emily's planned a get-together at hers. You're coming" he must have been leant against my door as I could hear him pretty clearly. I had been racking my brain for days trying to think of something to get Jacob for his birthday. I would have thought it'd be easier what with him being my best friend. "Bella?" I hadn't said anything in a minute or so.

"Yeah Jake, that's fine" I had finished buttoning up my shirt and started tying my hair up in a rough ponytail.

"Where's the bloodsucker? I thought you two were meant to be having quality time"

I walked over to the door and opened it quickly, hoping he'd still be leaning on it but his uncanny reflexes stopped him from falling into my room. "Quit calling him that"

"What? It's what he does. He sucks blood" he moved from my doorway and collapsed on my bed.

"Yes but he has a name. And he went hunting early this morning" I walked around my room, picking up bits of rubbish from my floor, trying to busy myself.

"He was eager to get away"

"What?"

"Well, if I were him, I wouldn't just run off first thing in the morning. I'd at least say good morning before running off to munch on some innocent deer"

"Why're you so interested in my relationship with Edward all of a sudden?" I pushed his legs off the bed so I could sit down on the end.

He simply shrugged and changed the subject. "So what have you got me for my birthday?" he nudged me with his knee and smiled my smile.

"Well, nothing yet. But what do you want?" I fell onto my side and scooted up so I was lying next to him. He started twirling a strand of my hair that fell near his face. He then moved to brush some hair off my face then he stroked the side of my face with him thumb. His eyes were fixed on mine.

"I think you know what I want" I knew what he meant.

I shook my head and sat up with my legs hanging over the side of the bed. "Jacob, we've been over this so many times" I kept my eyes on my feet, not wanting to look at his face.

He sighed and sat up with me. "I know. But you can't blame a guy for trying" he stood up and started walking towards the door.

"Where're you going?"

He smiled my favourite smile again. "I'm hungry". I smiled back at him and stood up to follow. "Bells?" I stopped when he said my name. "I wasn't kidding when I told you what I wanted" he shrugged again "I shouldn't get my hopes up right?"

"Jake that really isn't fair. You know I'm with Edward" I tried squeezing past him but he placed his hands on my waist, stopping me from moving.

"I know Bells, I just…" he sighed and looked away from me for a few seconds before meeting my gaze. One of his hands moved from my waist to the side of my face. "You… you can't blame a guy for trying" he said again. He gave me a weak smile before moving away from me and heading to the kitchen.

I stayed in the same stop for a few seconds to try and decrease my heart rate which was pounding heavily against my chest.

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**I'm going to try and update this regularly, every two or three days or so. Perhaps less if I'm really in a writing mood :)**

**But knowing me, I'll get writers block at some point so it would mean a lot to me if you gave me any suggestions for how you'd like this story to turn out :)**

**Reviews would mean so much to me. They keep my inspired and eager to write :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A massive thank you for those who have reviewed so far, I appreciate it so much. I've had a few cool ideas for this story given to me by a few awesome readers, I'll mention their names in the chapters that their ideas are mainly used ^_^**

**I might also try a few chapters in Jacobs POV so when I do, tell me what you think :)**

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Jacob only stayed a few more hours after that. I was pretty sure the tension was killing him just as much as it was me but what was killing me the most was the fact that every second I was with him, I was hurting him. Every time I caught him staring at me he gave me a weak smile and looked away. Every time we held hands, which was the norm for us, he squeezed it lovingly whenever I had to let go, like he never wanted me to ever let go.

He was still constantly telling me he'd never give up on me, he'd always be waiting for me to realize how much I need him, how much I love him. But I do love him. So much. But not anywhere near as much as I love Edward.

"Bella?"

I turned my head to face Edward. I was daydreaming again. We were lying on my bed and have been for over an hour. He came back from hunting three days ago. "Sorry, I was miles away" I placed my head on his chest and closed my eyes, imagining what it would sound like if he had a heartbeat.

"What were you thinking about?" he brushed my hair with his fingertips.

I shook my head. "I was thinking about how much I love you" I smiled and gently pressed my lips against his for a second.

"Really?" I nodded. "How much?" he returned my smile and my kiss.

"More then anything in the world" I grinned at him and pulled him in for another kiss. I really did love him more then anything which is what hurt. I'll never ever be able to return the feelings Jacob has for me. He'll be forever waiting for me despite the fact I'm always telling him I'm with Edward and it's going to stay that way.

Edward gazed at me for a few seconds, continuing to run his perfect fingers through my hair. "That's rather a lot. Is it enough to marry me?"

I sat straight up and moaned. "Edward please. You know I don't think marriage at this age is –"

"We don't need to get married straight away. We have time"

"No Edward, _you_ have time. I age everyday whereas you stay forever young. But it doesn't have to be that way! You could change me right now then we could spend the rest of forever together"

He simply chuckled slightly. "Bella love, we _can_ spend the rest of forever together"

"Then change me"

"How about a compromise?"

I sighed. "What kind of compromise?"

"Marry me first"

"What did I just say? I'm too young to marry" I fell backwards and crossed my arms over my eyes.

"But surely if I were to change you now then we marry, you'd still technically be eighteen. Right?"

I took my arms away from my eyes just enough to see his expression. He was smiling rather smugly with one eyebrow raised. I went to speak but someone calling my name downstairs stopped me.

"Bella! Down here please" It was Charlie. This time I was thankful for Charlie's interruption, it mean I could escape this moment.

"Coming!" I shouted back. I stood up and went for the door.

"Do I get an answer?" Edward stood behind me and kissed my neck gently.

"No"

"No?" I looked at me questionably.

"No you don't get an answer yet" I opened the door and headed downstairs. Edward had to stay upstairs as Charlie didn't know he was here.

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I didn't really want to see Edward until I had made my mind up. It was a big decision. I knew I was going to marry him eventually, after all, I wanted to be with him forever but it was his compromise that I had to contemplate over. He knew I wanted him to change me as soon as possible and every time I tried to discuss it, it would turn into an argument. He wanted me to have a human life but there was no way that could happen. I wouldn't want to grow old while he stays forever seventeen. If I was going to be with him then I wanted to be like him. He had tried to make compromises before, some of them being me going to college before he changes me so I can have human experiences beforehand but I wouldn't want to be at least three years older then him.

The marriage before change was the best compromise he had come up with so far. It meant we could do it as soon as possible then he could change me straight after which meant I was seriously considering it. I guess I just didn't want to be looked at as the girl who married at eighteen. My parents got married very young and I'm positive my Mom would try to talk me out of it knowing that it was a mistake for her. But not me. I plan on spending forever with Edward.

It was Sunday. School would start again tomorrow for my final year. It would be this year that I'd have to start looking at colleges. Not that I'd actually be going to any but I promised both Edward and Charlie that I'd look at them just to humor them.

I decided I'd go to La Push to see Jacob. I hadn't seen him in a few days and I'd probably see him less once school starts. It was also his birthday on Tuesday so I wanted to see if I could get any ideas of what to get him.

I kept telling myself not to get into another situation with Jacob again. A situation where I feel incredibly uncomfortable and confused with how my body is betraying me and where Jacob walks away hurt with rejection. Moments like that (which seemed to happen a lot) often made me not want to see him. He was my best friend and I loved him but moments like that made me want to run away.

I pulled up outside his house where he was already waiting for me, no doubt the roar of my truck made him aware of my presence. I got out and was instantly greeted by a tight bear hug.

"Jacob… can't breathe"

He chuckled and put me to my feet. "And to what do I owe this pleasure?" he grinned at me, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.

I shrugged. "I had nothing to do today so I thought I'd come see you"

"Oh I see. So you had nothing better to do" he smiled and raised one eyebrow.

I nodded and smiled. "So what do you want to do today?"

"I'm starving. You wanna go get some food?"

"Sure" I turned around to head back to my truck. "Where do you want to go?"

Jake just shrugged "Anywhere that sells food"

I laughed and started up the truck.

We ended up going to some pizza place just outside Port Angeles. After Jake finally finished eating what felt like ten pizzas we walked through a few of the near by streets. Everything felt easy like it was meant to. Jacob hadn't mentioned my relationship with Edward which I was terrified of. If he had, I'd probably let slip that Edward had asked me to marry him and I was seriously considering it. We walked hand in hand back to my truck after an hour or two of walking. Time seemed to go by so quickly with Jacob around.

"So does the bloodsucker know you're here?"

"Yes" I looked out the window. Jacob insisted on driving back.

"Is everything alright?"

"Yes. I just don't want to talk about Edward right now" I was scared that if we talked about Edward anymore, Jacob may find out about Edward's proposal.

"Why? What did he do?"

"Nothing, Jacob. Can we please not do this right now?"

Jacob looked at me questionably. "Okay"

We stayed silent for the rest of the drive back which wasn't uncomfortable.

We spent the rest of the afternoon watching movies. Jacob had chosen 'The Last Samurai' which I was struggling to stay awake while watching. We were both sat on his tiny sofa which was barely able to accommodate both me and Jacob. I had my head against his shoulder while he was holding my hand, making patterns in my palm with his fingertips. I was so comfortable; it was a nice change leaning against someone beautifully warm rather then someone cold and hard. Every now and then I felt him lean against my head and occasionally kiss my hair and linger there for a few seconds. I tried to ignore him and watch the film but I couldn't help but imagine what it would feel like if it wasn't the top of my head he was kissing.

"Bells?"

"Hmm?" I moved a little closer into his body.

"This could be so easy"

"What?" my body tensed a little.

"Us. We'd be so good together, Bells" he squeezed my hand a little but I took it away from him.

"Jacob please! Stop this! Why can't we just hang out like normal friends without you ruining everything? Just… please, understand that I'm with Edward" I stood up and paced the room.

"Oh come on Bells! You can't be serious about him. He's a fucking bloodsucker" he stood up and walked towards me. His arms were motionless by his sides and his eyes were full of hurt.

I sighed. "Jake, I am serious. I… he…" he had to know sometime, and better he hear it from me then Edward right? "Jake… Edward asked me to marry him"

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**I'm sorry that the end of this chapter was a little bad; I was getting sleepier and sleepier while writing this so I'm sorry it's a little sloppy. I'm also sorry it took me a while to update; I was struggling with how to write this.**

**Please review, it means the world to me if you do and it really encourages me to continue writing.**

**Please Review :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you for the reviews ^_^ they mean a lot to me, seriously. I'd like to thank **_**Dedralithie **_**for the idea for part of this chapter; she suggested a 'steamy' fight between Bella and Jake. I hope I did her idea justice :P**

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Jacob hadn't moved for at least a minute. We stood there in silence; he was frowning at the ground while I stood there awkwardly with my arms crossed across my chest.

After another minute or so Jacob broke the silence. "Erm… what… what did you say? Or do I not want to know?" he still wasn't looking at me.

"I haven't given him an answer yet"

Jacob nodded. Still frowning. "What will you tell him?"

"I… I don't know"

Jacob smiled but it wasn't my smile. He was shaking his head and chuckling. "You're going to say yes aren't you?" he had his fists balled, he was looking at me know.

"I…" I didn't know what to say. But my saying nothing made Jacob angry.

"I fucking knew it" he turned around and marched into his room, slamming the door so hard that it wouldn't surprise me if he broke the hinges.

"Jacob!" I ran after him, pressing my forehead to his door. "Jake, please"

"What the hell are you doing here Bells? To humor me?" he was shouting from the other side of the door. "I mean seriously! You're fucking marrying him!"

I couldn't hold back the tears that were now threatening to spill from my eyes. "I don't even know if I'm going to say yes!"

"We both know you are. How the fuck can you do this to me, Bells!"

"What! Jake, I'm not doing this to hurt you! I'm doing it because I'm in love with him and it's what I have to do"

I heard Jake move towards the door. He threw it open. He stood right in front of me, shaking slightly. "What about me then? Huh? What am I meant to do when I'm so goddamn in love with _you_?" he turned around and moved further into his room. His hands were clutching his hair and every one of his muscles was tensed. I was terrified of him phasing.

"I'm sorry Jacob! You have no idea how much I wish things were different" I walked into his room and closed the door behind me.

"Different in what way? If I was totally out of the picture? Because only say the words and I'm gone!" he still had his back to me, he was speaking over his shoulder but his eyes refused to meet mine. I wanted too much to walk over to him and hug him, to collapse into him, telling him I'm sorry but that won't help anything. I'd still have to leave; I'd still be with Edward.

"No Jacob. I don't know but I don't want things to be like this. I just want them to be… different" I struggled to get the words out in-between sobs.

"They can be different, Bells! Just don't do it! Don't marry him!" his hands were covering his face now and although he had stopped shaking, he was still angry. I tried to speak but couldn't, I had no idea what to say to him to make this better. "Can't you see that I would be the easier choice? You wouldn't have to change for me. You could have everything. You could still be human… wait…" he stopped completely and turned around. "You're not actually going to become one of them are you?"

Shit. If I told him I was there would be no doubt he'd phase but if I lied he'd be able to tell. There was no way out. So I didn't say anything.

He wasn't as angry as I thought he'd be. He continued to stare at the ground and he hadn't started shaking again. "What can I do to convince you not to do this?"

"You can't" my voice broke as I spoke.

He nodded in reply and walked towards me. I took a few steps back but the door stopped me from going any further. He continued towards me and slammed his hands either side of my head on the door. He was inches away from me. My heart was pounding against my chest like crazy. I hated to admit that I was a little scared. I knew that he wouldn't hurt me but he was furious and slightly unpredictable when he was angry.

"Are you sure?" his voice didn't harbor his fury anymore, he spoke softly. "Are you sure I can't change your mind?" he was inching closer and closer to me with every second. My legs felt as if they were going to collapse and the butterflies in my stomach were going mad. The muscles between my legs tensed and I felt myself become wet, he was so close to me.

"Jake… don't" I tried to spit the words to try to come across angry or annoyed but they came out as a whisper. I placed my hands on his chest to push him away but there was no way of moving him.

"Why are you still in denial Bells? I can smell your arousal, I can smell it every time I get closer to you then I should. Just accept it. You know you love me and I sure as hell know you want me. You can tell me to leave and never come back but not before you tell yourself how you really feel about me" he pushed off the door and took a step back to look at me. I couldn't move, I had my whole body pressed against the door still.

"Fine. I wish things were different in the way that Edward didn't come back so soon. Because I would have liked to see what would happen between us if he didn't. I'm not saying anything might have happened but it would be different. Maybe this would be an easier choice. Because I do love you Jacob Black and you know it so why are you doing this to me? I'm with Edward and I'm going to marry him" I couldn't stop crying. It didn't feel like much of a betrayal saying out loud that I loved Jacob.

"But you do love me?"

I nodded.

He moved so quickly. I couldn't stop him in time. He pressed his lips against mine hungrily. I couldn't move, my hands were shaking and my knees were starting to buckle. He placed his hands on either side of my face and pressed his whole body against mine. His lips were completely different to Edwards. Jacob's were warm and incredibly soft. They molded perfectly to mine. Our lips moved together in harmony. His tongue flicked against my lower lip asking for entrance which I gave. He intensified the kiss, pouring every bit of his love into it. My hands found their way into his hair, grabbing at it and pulling on it towards me to try to get him closer to me. Every bit of our bodies were touching and I could feel the evidence of his arousal press against my thigh. He broke the kiss but only to explore my neck and collar bone. I was completely breathless. His hands slipped down my back and waist and his fingertips dipped under my shirt a little, grazing my skin. He sucked on the base of my neck while his hands tried to move their way up my shirt, lifting it above my belly where his beautifully scolding hands rubbed my bare skin, pulling my body into his hips. I had never experienced a kiss like this before. Edward had always pushed me away but Jake didn't reject me… so I had to stop this before it got too far.

"Jake… Jake… please" his body froze and he moved back a millimeter to give me as little space as possible. "I'm sorry Jake…" my eyes started to water again.

He smiled at me and ran his hands through my hair. "It's okay Bells. I should be sorry… but I'm not. That was better then I ever imagined it to be"

"Jake I can't do this. I'm with Edward… I…" I turned around and opened the door to walk out but Jacob grabbed my wrist.

"Bells, please don't go"

"I have to Jake… I'm sorry… I…" I wanted to tell him I loved him, that I'd be back and I'd sort everything out but I couldn't. He let go of me to let me leave. I met his gaze for a second before walking out. He smiled weakly at me before I left.

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**I hope that was okay. I wrote it pretty quickly but only because I couldn't wait to write it so I hope it's up to standards. **

**Please review and tell me what you think, I was a little nervy writing this chapter but only because I want to please :P**

**X**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys. I'm so sorry for the late update. My laptop got a nasty virus so I sent off for it to get fixed which took longer then I thought. Luckily I back up all of my documents and things ****regularly so I haven't lost any of my drafts for upcoming chapters. But thank you guys so much for the reviews, they all mean so much to me. I will try to be more regular with updates now :)**

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I could hardly sleep that night. There was so much going through my mind that I just couldn't ignore. I found myself thinking more about Jacob then I was Edward and it was killing me. I didn't want to think about Jacob, I wanted to think about Edward and how much I loved him but each time I tried I somehow found my way back to Jacob.

It felt like my lips were tingling for hours after he kissed me. I pressed them together hundreds of times a minute remembering how it felt to have Jacob's incredibly warm lips against mine. My mind was betraying me, I should be remembering Edward's kisses not Jacobs but I couldn't help it. After a while I gave in, feeling unbelievably guilty, I stopped forcing my mind away from Jacob and fell asleep to his image in my head.

I woke up feeling better then I thought I would. I woke up smiling. I convinced myself that it had nothing to do with Jacob but with the fact that I was able to see Edward today, granted it would be at school but I'd still be able to see Edward.

I got up and headed to the bathroom, stripped off and stood under the soothing water. I was partially looking forward to school. Edward was in most of my classes so it wasn't difficult to get through most of the day. I quickly washed my hair and finished up in the shower where I proceeded to study my face in the bathroom mirror. I ran a brush through my hair and shook my head to let it fall into place by itself. I put on a little mascara and a tiny bit of foundation under my eyes to cover-up the evidence of my lack of sleep lately. I wrapped a towel around myself and headed for my room where I got changed into a pair of old black jeans, a baby blue tee and a thin grey zip-up hoodie. Once I was happy with my appearance I ran downstairs, grabbed some toast, said goodbye to Charlie and left.

I drifted through most of the school day without paying attention to anything in my classes. Thankfully, Edward didn't bring up the subject of his proposal. It wasn't that I didn't have an answer to give me that worried me, it was how I didn't want to answer him, I didn't want it to be officially engaged to him. Not that I didn't want to marry Edward but this was all happening so soon.

My mind wondered back to Jacob. It was his birthday tomorrow and I had no idea what to get him. I couldn't not get him anything and I couldn't not go to his party tomorrow night, he's my best friend and it would crush him if I didn't go.

The school day ended quicker then I thought it would, I drifted through most of it.

Edward insisting on driving me home. I swear I rarely got to drive myself anymore what with Jacob and Edward constantly driving my truck.

"I'm going to Jacob's birthday party tomorrow" I didn't look at him as I said this; I simply stared out the window.

"Do you really think that's a good idea? I don't like it"

"I wasn't asking for your permission"

"If I was to ask you if I could drop you off at the border and pick you up after would that be too much?" he placed a hand on my knee as he drove. Was he really trying to compromise?

"I guess that'll be okay" I placed a hand over his and squeezed it, smiling.

Edward didn't stay long after he dropped me home; I told him I had lots of work to do and needed to be alone in order to do it.

I collapsed on my bed and thought about what I could get Jacob for his birthday but every time I thought of him I remembered what he said when I asked him what he wanted. Me.

I felt so guilty every time I thought of him, like I was betraying Edward just by letting my mind wonder away from him and to my best friend.

I sat up on my bed and looked around my room hoping it would give me an idea of what to get him. I looked at my desk and had an idea.

I got up and rummaged around in the closet in the hall and picked up an empty photo frame. We usually had a few empty ones lying around that were once used but no longer needed. The frame had three windows in order to fit three photos. I then went back into my room and to my desk. I had a small photo montage against the wall which homed a few photos of my friends, my parents and some memories from a few summers before. But more importantly there was a photo of me a Jake together. Emily had taken it from one of our many bonfires. I was sat on the floor in-between Jacobs legs, trying to cover my face with my hands but peaking through my fingers with a smile. Jacob beamed his wolfish grin as always, his chin resting on the top of my head.

I pulled the back away from the frame and placed the picture in the centre window. I then rummaged through my draws looking for a familiar shoe box filled with photos. I came across one of me and Jacob as kids. We couldn't have been any older then eight. We were walking along a trail in raincoats and boots. Jacob had my hand in his, grinning widely at the camera. I had my other hand against my lips, staring at something to the side of me, blissfully unaware of the fact Charlie was taking a picture. I placed it in the second window of the frame and searched for a third picture.

After a few minutes of scanning through a stack of images starting to think I had none that suited I found the perfect one. It was taken a while ago during the time Edward was gone. The time when I was happy with where I was. The only worries I had was whether or not I was ready to give myself to Jacob, now I can't even think like that what with Edward being back and all. In the photo both of us are smiling from ear to ear. Jacob had scooped me off my feet and threw me over his shoulder but so my legs were dangling helplessly behind him and my chin could touch his chest. I remember giving up screaming and hitting him as hard as I could after a while knowing it wasn't going to get my feet on the ground. I started laughing (mostly with nerves) as he span me around. In the photo I had my arms wrapped around Jacob's neck, holding on for dear life with a huge smile plasterd across my face, I was looking at the camera, using my eyes to beg whoever was holding it to help me. Jacob was smiling at me, watching my expression. Quil had managed to get a hold of Emily's camera because the moment was 'too funny not to document'. I smiled at the memory and secretly wished for things to be that easy again.

I sat back in my chair after putting the third image into the frame and replacing the back. I held it upright in front of me knowing Jacob would love it.

I put it down and changed into my pyjamas. I'd wrap it and write him a card tomorrow. I crawled into bed not knowing what time it was, all I knew was I was incredibly tired.

I fell asleep that night with Jacob on my mind. Again.

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**Again, I am soooo sorry for the long wait. I also apologise for the crappy-ness of this chapter, I wrote it in a rush while I was very sleeping because I promised myself I'd upload it tonight.**

**Please please please review, it means the world to me and it really does encourage me to continue writing. Just don't be too mean with the critiques :P**

**X**


	6. Chapter 6

**I'm ****so sorry for the long wait, I have no excuses. I didn't forget about this, I just didn't have inspiration to continue but everything's okay now :)**

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I wanted school to be over as soon as possible. A part of me was really looking forward to tonight. I imagined it would be easy between Jacob and myself tonight; it wouldn't just be us so it narrowed the chance of an awkward moment.

Once the bell rang for the end of the day Edward escorted me to my truck which of course he drove back to my place.

"Bella, do you have to go tonight?" he stood leaning against the frame of my door watching as I gathered my things. I was going over to Emily's early to help her with the preparations.

"Yes" I removed my clothes from my closet and barged past him to get to the bathroom to change.

"But Bella –"

"Edward, there is nothing you can say that you haven't said before. He's my best friend. I know you don't like it but I'm sorry, I have to go" I opened the door after changing and stared straight at him. He broke eye contact with me and stared at the floor, his arms crossed.

"Fine" he walked past me and down the stairs. I was unsure of what to do so I just stood there. "Are you coming or not?" I thought he had left. "I'm dropping you off at the border"

I sighed and grabbed my things. Edward was all about compromise. If he didn't drop me off he definitely wouldn't let me go.

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I was greeted at Emily's by Quil and Embry who took it upon themselves to shake me like a doll as their way of saying hello.

"Bella! You're such a stranger to us these days. We haven't seen you for weeks" Quil finally placed me back on my feet.

"Yeah, it's not fair that Jake's the only one who gets you" Jared threw his arms around me and squeezed me before I was even able to turn around to face him.

The pack always made me feel at home. They were so incredibly friendly towards me despite the fact that I was constantly hurting Jacob and switching between them and the Cullens.

"Well the important thing is that she's here now" Emily welcomed me with a gentle hug, a complete contrast to the other welcomes I had received. "You're here to help out right?" she smiled and placed a hand on my shoulder.

I nodded.

"Well you can help by going to get Jacob. He's outside somewhere with Sam. Let him know you're here and tell Sam I said for him to come and help out in the kitchen" I smiled and nodded then headed out for the backyard.

Sam and Jacob were headed for the house from the woods just wearing their cut-off jeans. They had obviously been for a run. Jacob raised a hand in a sort of wave when he saw me.

"Sam, Emily demands for your help"

"Thanks Bella. See you guys inside" Sam shook my shoulder as his greeting and headed for Emily.

Jake and I stood outside for a couple of minutes in comfortable silence before I broke it by holding up the bag containing his gift.

"What's this?"

"It's normal for someone to give a gift on someone else's birthday" I held it out more towards him so he would take it.

He smiled. "Bells, you didn't have to"

"I wanted to" I returned the smile and took a few steps towards the bench a few yards away and sat down. Jacob joined me and looked in the bag. He took out the frame and smiled my smile. After a while of just him staring at it he finally looked at me, his smile calmed down.

"I was half expecting you not to turn up today" he placed the frame beside him then turned back to me.

"Why?"

"Because I was out of order the other day and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you like that and I'm sorry for getting angry… I just can't stand the thought of you being his forever" his smile faded and he took my hand in his.

"Why're you apologising to me?" I squeezed his hand gently and scooted up closer to him so I could feel his warmth.

"Because I'm terrified of losing you"

My heart sank. He deserved so much more then me. It was this moment when my head and my heart engaged in war. My head was telling me to let go of Jacob. I was with Edward and I loved him dearly. Edward was incredibly flawless in everyway. He was unbelievably beautiful, caring and loving but he was too perfect. I felt ordinary in comparison. And maybe he was too caring. He protected me too much because he cared too much. He treated me like a china doll, ready to shatter with even the tiniest chip.

And then there was my heart, screaming at me to love Jacob. Jacob wasn't incredibly perfect but he was as close as humanly possible. He loved me but not in a controlling way. He wanted me in a way that Edward didn't. I wouldn't have to be careful around Jacob and he didn't have to be careful around me. He had shown me already how reckless he is in the way he kissed me. It was like nothing I had ever shared with Edward.

I was scared. Because it felt as if my heart was winning. Everyday another doubt about Edward would enter my mind, building up causing me to love him a little less. I never admitted it. It was obvious that I didn't love him as much as I did before he left me. But was it enough for me to love Jacob more?

I had to think of my life with Jacob. Yes, it would be easier but I couldn't guarantee it would last. Jacob had described to me an element of being a wolf. Imprinting. There was always that risk that he would imprint on someone, leaving me behind, leaving me crushed again to sink into my zombie state which I had grown so accustom to before.

I rested my head on Jacob's shoulder and pulled myself into his body, melting in his heat. "You won't lose me, Jake"

"You can't promise that. You're going to marry him, Bells" he twisted himself round to face me then rested his forehead against mine. He closed his eyes and placed a hand on my cheek, stroking my face with his thumb.

"I haven't given him an answer yet. And how can you promise you won't leave me when there's a chance you'll imprint on some girl. I could lose you" I closed my eyes tightly to stop the tears spilling over.

Jacob shook his head and placed his other hand on my face. "I can promise you I'll never leave you. There isn't even a chance that there's someone else for me. It's all you Bella" he sighed and let me go. "Which is why I'll be anything you need. If you do marry him I'll accept it. God knows I won't be happy and I can't promise I won't put up a fight but I'll still be your best friend because I can't imagine not having you in my life"

I couldn't move. Every degree of love I ever had for Jacob surfaced in that moment. My heart was winning the war and it scared me like hell but right now I couldn't care less. I knew that later I would convince myself that Edward was my ultimate love but why would I have to convince myself so much that he was the one when at the same time I'm trying to tell myself that Jacob is not?

Was Jacob the one I really needed?

I leant in towards him and gently brushed my lips against his. The contact was for less then a second but my body trembled for what felt like an age. This was something I had only experienced with Edward before he left me, since then it was never the same.

Jacob didn't move at all. He was just as confused as I was. I moved closer into him and placed my lips against his again. This time he reacted. His hand travelled up my back and rested in my hair. I mirrored his movements while pressing as much of my body against his as I could. The kiss wasn't urgent, it was slow and cautious but it was amazing. He moved his hands down my sides and around to the small of my back where they crept under my shirt slightly. His hands scorched my skin which caused heat to sear through my body it was evident he could smell my arousal as he instantly intensified the kiss, dragging me onto his lap.

"Whoa! We seemed to have walked out at the wrong time"

My whole body froze. As did Jakes for all of two seconds before he stood up and threw a punch at Embry who managed to dodge it and ran for safety followed by Quil.

Jacob turned to me and nervously scratched the back of his neck. I stood up, picked up Jakes gift and walked over to him. I handed it to him and wrapped my arms around his neck for a hug. I felt him smile against my neck as he returned the hug.

"Happy birthday" I whispered before letting go then walking into the kitchen to help Emily.

Shit. I had a lot to think about.

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**Sorry for the long wait for this chapter, I can try to promise it ****won't happen again :)**

**Please review, it really does mean everything to me and it encourages me to write more/better :)  
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